Email Replies to Gino.

First, I want to say this, because apparently there's been some confusion: my commentary in my match email posts are solely for this blog and are never actually sent to any man on match. It's all meant to be funny. I have a snarky, sarcastic sense of humor. So, basically, any post that isn't screaming, "I'M BEING SERIOUS!" should be read with sarcasm, mmmk?

Ok, great. Now that we have that taken care of...

Who knew someone I have absolutely no interest in would get so much attention on this little blog?

The other day, I shared with you the email I received from Gino, the wanna-be guido. I then asked for your feedback as to what I should say in an email reply. I've replied to guys in the past with a nice, encouraging email (as in, "Thanks for the email, your perfect woman is out there, it's just not me. Best wishes in your search!" type of encouragement), but I wanted something different this time.

Only two people were up for the challenge of creating a great reply, and, boy, did they send me some pretty stellar responses. My good friend, Nate (he's a real-life friend and doesn't have a blog, although, he should), sent me this hilarious email that literally had my mom and me crying because we were laughing so hard. He makes a lot of references to G-money's email, but not in an obvious manner. It was the exact response I was hoping for.

Gino,

Thank you for such kind words. They certainly cheer me up and put a huge smile on my face. Your email makes me want to share the joy and words you give me with everybody..even people I don't know very well.

You haven't mentioned where you went to school because the way you speak so eloquently makes me think that you have studied the English language to great extent. If I had to guess I would say Harvard or Yale. Am I close?

My favorite part of your email was your compliment about my eyes and smile. That means so much to me because I have had problems with them in the past. You see (no pun intended), I was born cross-eyed and had to wear thick glasses just to see a book eight inches from my face. Then..by some miracle..at summer camp in 1995, I was kicked in the head by a horse which straightened my eyes and cured my blurry vision but at the same time knocked out all my teeth. As a result, I traded my thick glasses for braces and headgear that I had to wear up until my 22 birthday.

I'm glad there is at least one gentleman left in this world. I have been looking for one for 23 years. I was a little skeptical at first to read, view, and look at your profile because I had specifically said that I was interested in men that were 23-31, no children, and not divorced. I realize now what a mistake I made. Why would I want those things when my mind can be so easily changed by a few poorly thought out compliments?

I would love to chat with you on ym. My screen name on there is FU..Gino. Please don't email me again. I'm young enough to be your daughter and it is just disgusting. It's like me trolling the kindergartens for young men.

Sincerely,

Me

I dare you to tell me that didn't make you laugh out loud.

Then I received this little diddie from one of my favorite bloggers, JB. I sing her praises a lot, but, if you've never checked out her blog, go! Her wisdom astonishes me. Here is what she had to say.

Dear Gino,
If you would like some feedback - keep reading. Otherwise ignore this e-mail.

When you disregard the information in my profile about what I am looking for, I am left to wonder where you are coming from and what are your motives?

My impression of you is that you want what you want and don't regard my preferences.

Please respect my choices and yes that means you are out of the running. You were never in. There is nothing you can do to be in except be younger, never married and without children.

Pretty awesome, huh? I should ask for reader feedback more often!

I then came up with my own response. I'll admit, it may come across as a little rude, but I don't think it's going to hurt him to hear it.

Dear Gino,

While I certainly appreciate the time you took to email me and the kind words you had to say about my appearance, I am left wondering if you actually took the time to read my profile, like you claim.

If you don’t like brutal honesty, I suggest you delete this email now.

You see, Gino, in my profile it clearly says what I am looking for. Since you obviously didn’t read it, I will lay it out for you here.

1. I want someone between the ages of 23 and 30.
2. Someone who has never been married.
3. Someone who doesn’t have any children.

Given the above, I am curious as to what about my profile led you to believe we were compatible.

Not only are you not between the ages of 23 and 30, you are literally twice my age. While that may work for some people, it obviously does not work for me. If I didn’t care about age, I wouldn’t have indicated an age preference in my profile.

Secondly, while I admire that you took on the task of raising your son alone (truly, I do.), at this point in my life, I do not wish to date anyone with a child. And when and if I should change my mind, that child better not be old enough for me to date.

I’d like to offer up some advice, if you don’t mind.

If you are on match to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, I strongly suggest you narrow your search. Do not waste your time emailing girls in their early-20s. I can assure you, any girl in her early-20s that isn’t a gold digger, nine times out of 10, won’t have any interest in someone twice her age. There are plenty of beautiful, intelligent women out there in their late 30s and 40s. I suggest you spend more time trying to communicate with these ladies, as you are more likely to find your life partner in that range.

Furthermore, I strongly suggest you take the time to read the profiles of the women that catch your eye. It’s rude to email her when it’s so blatantly obvious that you haven’t read a thing about her. Second of all, if you don’t fall into her criteria in any way, shape, or form, keep on searching. Persistence always pays off.

Also, one minor suggestion, but you may want to consider putting pictures up that weren’t taken in the 1980s.

I apologize if I have offended you, but I’m overly annoyed with the amount of people emailing me that clearly didn’t take the time to read anything about me. There’s more to me than just a picture.

I wish you nothing but the best in your search-- especially if you take my advice.

Sincerely,
Me

None of these have been emailed... yet. I can't decide which one I like the best... or if I have the balls to actually send something that isn't all rainbows and lollipops. However, they all have the perfect amount of funny and snark, and that's just my cup of tea :)