Tuesday, June 8, 2010

More Stories from the Online Dating World...

I had planned on taking a break from all things blog related (reason one why it took me 5 days to respond to your comments from my last post) for various reasons, but this is too funny not to share.

The following is an email I received from some guy on match. I've received a few that have given me a really good laugh and I'll probably share them all at some point, but this one, from "Pierre, 38" had me crying I was laughing so hard.

What I thought upon reading this email and after I stopped crying are in the parentheses in the blue-ish color.


There are alot of things that I could compliment you on but your smile is the best (OK, that's nice. Cheesy, but nice. Thanks). You really made me stop and write to you after I seen that smile ("Seen" that smile? Nice grammar.). I hope that you are single (Uh, why else would I be here? I'm not that hard up for friends.) and ready for a date with me (that sounds a little intimidating...). I just want to take you out and walk with you and see the sights as we talk to eachother and get to know all about eachother (Read: I just want to have sex.). You really seem nice after reading your profile and I want to know how can I get my chance to make you happy (well, this email IS making me happy... but probably not in the way you had hoped). Well about me: I am 5'9 205lbs nice looking guy (Even if it is true, who says that?) . I dress alittle prep but it's cool (it's not cool if you pop your collar, though). I like to cook, take care of my woman, and be the best man that I can be. I have been through alot in life so now my life is on auto pilot and I am taking it as is comes instead of rushing situations. I really like you (how could you have possibly come to that conclusion based on just my profile?) and hope that you like me back (I don't even know you.) well enough to write me back. Well I will be waiting for your respondse (Please don't wait for long, it won't be coming). Thank you for your time (thank you for the laugh). Can you add me to your IM so we can chat? (That's a big, fat negative, sir. Besides, it says at the end of my profile that I don't do the IM thing on match.)

I realize I shouldn't be so quick to judge and some of you may think, "Wow, fickle white is a bit of a biotch," but come on. How can one not laugh at this? I'm sure he is a decently nice guy (because really, most guys are, it's their intentions that are a**hole material), but this email has 'creep wanting nothing more than sex' written all. over. it.

My friend told me she's had guys straight up ask her for sex, so I decided to just not respond to Pierre. I didn't want to give him a reason to keep emailing me because then this one just wouldn't be as funny. And just a note, had I written him back, I obviously would have been much nicer. I think a lot more rudely than I speak... usually.

And Pierre, if you really are interested in just sex, I'd be happy to point you to a few street corners where I'm sure the ladies would love to "get to know you."

Hope you guys were able to laugh, too ;)

Have a good week!

PS-- Tara from "The road less traveled by," if you are reading this, every time I click to comment on your posts, it doesn't do anything. I'm wondering if maybe it got turned off during the blog makeover? Anyway, just wanted to let you know the comment section isn't working!!

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lindsey said...

I really needed a good laugh today. Thank you for sharing this!

Anonymous said...

HYSTERICAL! Minus the fact that he is kind of old... I wouldn't have the balls to send a 23 year old an e-mail if I was almost 40! I miss my online dating days... well, not really, but they were funny!

Momma Fargo said...

Wow! Are you sure you aren't on NERD.COM? LOL.

Pam said...

Oh my GAW! Awesome dissection of the creepy guy email you recieved. Ewww. Seriously!
"There are alot".......ok stop right there. It would have been over for me after these first three words.
I HATE it when people think "a lot" is one word.
I have to wonder if this lump of coal in the rough even finished the 4th grade.
"I like to cook, take care of my woman, and be the best man that I can be. I have been through alot (there it is again) in life so now my life is on auto pilot and I am taking it as is comes instead of rushing situations"
What in the hell is that supposed to mean?

Melissa said...

Poor Pierre... did he really have all those spelling and grammar mistakes?

Pennie said...

Ah, Pierre...I picture you showing up to find a man with greased back hair, high water pants hiked up to his navel, snakeskin belt complete with large belt buckle and pocket protector...and nylon rimmed glasses. But...he may have been nice! lol

Anne said...

LMAO! My fave part was that he likes to take care of his woman. Because this IS 1950, afterall, and we are all helpless and need to be rescued by a huge a-hole :-) OMG, I love these match.com stories, keep 'em coming!!

Rachel said...

Wow, that's... um... yeah. You should change your profile to say you want an educated man. :0) That's some seriously bad grammar (not that I'm perfect, but DANG!). Very funny though!

purplume said...

The good news is you get to rule this guy out. Wow. I wonder if he is from some other planet.

I am envisioning you writing a book called "How to translate dating service e-mails."

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

OMG!! Euwww!!!!

Creepy, grammitically incorrect guy who totally wants to have sex.

W/B/S Bffs forever!

Jess said...

O-M-G.......... hysterical.

It's like a bad form letter, lol.

Anonymous said...

lmao. when i got to the part about you having a nice smile, all i could think about is the quote from Deliverance "you got a pretty mouth" creepy haha

Helene said...

OMG, it almost sounds like a form letter he sends to every hot chick on the site! And I'll bet he's sitting at home this Friday night, scratching his head, wondering why the hell no one has written him back yet.

Katie said...

I'm your newest follower from Getting to Know You Sunday. And, this email is HILARIOUS!!

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