My, my it's been a while, hasn't it? I have no idea what has compelled me to resurrect this thing, especially in the wee hours of a Thursday morning; except for the fact that I cannot sleep or shut my brain off. I guess I felt like visiting an old friend would do me some good.
I don't know even know when I last posted or what it was about, but it's probably safe to say not much has changed.
Have you ever yearned for change so much in your life that it became an obsession? That's my current state. Maybe I'm having a quarter-life-crisis 10 months into my 25th year, or maybe it's just a complete inability to ever be contented, but being happy with where I presently am has been a serious struggle.
I won't go so far as to say that I am depressed, but life at almost-26 is certainly not what I had expected.
Working night shift is weird. I'm not a morning person, at all, so for that reason alone I like nights. I also feel like night shift nurses are a little more easy-going and laid back, which I prefer to be around. But the toll it takes on the body is something else. I literally feel like all I do is work and sleep. Or attempt to sleep. I've had the past couple nights off and woken up at 2am both nights. Last week I picked up a couple of extra shifts, working 60 hours, and foolishly worked 5 out of 6 nights. My body has been punishing me for it all week. But with student loans and every other bill I owe, working overtime has become a necessity.
Then there's the whole living at my parents' house thing. Don't get me wrong, I am so very appreciative that they allow me to live here rent free and really don't get pissy when I contribute next to nothing in terms of maintaining the house. But lately I've been missing my little apartment in podunk Indiana. It's only natural for a mid-20 something to want a place to call her own, right? Unfortunately, that dream is one that won't become real for sometime yet, which is undoubtedly a great cause of my unhappiness.
My desire to move out of state is no secret. It's something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, even more so in the past couple of years. I have had my heart set on venturing out to the City of Angels to the point that it has become an obsession. I think about the endless possibilities of living out there- nice weather, healthy living, proximity to the beach/desert/mountains, etc. And yet I feel like it's something that is constantly talked about, but will never actually happen. I want to be ventilator trained before I apply for jobs out there, and that won't happen until the fall/early winter. Most hospitals prefer 2 years experience, but I've only been a nurse for 6 months. I can't even afford to move down the street, let alone 2,000 miles away to one of the most expensive cities in the nation. It's roadblock after roadblock and my impatience is growing by the day. The reality is, a move is a solid year away, and I just don't know if I can obsess over this dream of mine for another 365 days.
I constantly talk to myself about needing to learn to be content with the present; that things will work out when and how they are supposed to. Ultimately, I know that to be true; however, I also feel like there is some type of clock rapidly ticking away. Which brings me to my next conflict.
To sign up for online dating (again), or not? I haven't been on a date in years. YEARS. What 26 year old says that? I have no social life, so being in a position to meet a man never happens. I have one friend locally, but our nights out usually consist of late dinner and drinks, followed by a chat session and the Real Housewives on her couch. And while I'm friendly with people at work, they are all in such a different place than I am, with the overwhelming majority being married and/or mothers. So do I put myself out there, in a position where I can actually meet men, risking the chance of finding someone that gives me a reason to stay in a place I so desperately want to leave, or do I continue living a very boring, and very single, life?
The silver lining in all of this is that I love being a nurse. I still had fears even a month into employment that I was going to realize I had a made a horrible and expensive decision to become a nurse and that it was not my passion at all. Fortunately, I was wrong. When I was little I always said I wanted to be a baby nurse, and here I am. I love working in the NICU. To be a part of a team that fights around the clock to keep the tiniest, sickest, most vulnerable patients alive is such an honor. I know I was made for this job and while it's exhausting- mentally, physically, and emotionally (oh, the emotions of working in NICU. Oy vey.)- it's worth it.
I don't even know what all this rambling is about. I could probably sum it up as "complain, complain, complain, whine, happiness." So on that note, I'd just like to say that I hope everyone (if anyone is even still following me) is doing well. I haven't read a blog in, like, 8 months, but know that many of you cross my mind in the most random of times and I say a little prayer for you.
Hayden's 9-year check-up.
3 days ago