Searching

I have always had an active imagination. As a little girl, the hours spent playing house, or putting on skits, or pretending to be a pregnant housekeeper named Nancy (I have NO idea why this ever became a thing), I would let my mind run wild. The older I grew, the more I found myself daydreaming, creating a fantasy of how I thought life would go, and couldn't wait for it to unfold.

And then, against my better judgment, I became an adult. 

Obviously, by my age, I have come to realize life isn't a Hallmark movie. And yet, I still find myself always seeking greener pastures.

I really enjoyed a lot about my life in L.A. I lived in a beach front apartment with an ocean view. I had access to anything and everything, whenever I wanted it. I made extremely good money, I had a handful of really good girlfriends, and I was fully independent. However, I still wasn't content. I was overweight, had a non-existent dating life, and with 30 knocking on my door, I thought it was time I planted roots. So, I moved back to Indiana, trying to convince myself that I would get healthy, meet a man, and buy a house. All the while, knowing damn well I would eventually regret it. Hell, I regretted it before I even made the move. 

But life in Indiana isn't ALL bad. I'm 10 minutes away from my parents, as well as my brother and his new wife. Two of my oldest friends are here. And, I was able to buy the cutest little dollhouse cottage you've ever seen. 

All of that, and it still isn't enough. I don't know what this is, my inability to be happy and content. Maybe it's just damage from a life of insecurity and depression. Or maybe a part of me is still holding on to the fantasies I created so many years ago. Or maybe it's my intuition being spot on, and I know something better is awaiting my discovery. 

I don't know.

And that right there is the hardest part about being an adult: the unknown. Not knowing if my never-ending quest to find happiness exists a new job and new state away, or somewhere closer to home. Somewhere, perhaps, deep within my soul. 

Either way, I better get to searching.