Diary of a Fickle White Woman

At least not in the online dating world. Y'all. I want to know HOW in sam hell PEOPLE FIND SPOUSES FROM ONLINE DATING. My neighbor actually just got engaged to a girl he met on match.com 6 months ago. My brother went on a 4 hour first date tonight with a girl he met online. Then I log onto chemistry.com and do you know what cards I've been dealt? The jokers. Seriously, that's how I'm going to refer to them, because I'm 0 for 3 with this online dating crap and I know now it really is all a joke. Fortunately, I truly did join chemistry.com for the stories. I'm about to be incredibly busy for 13 months. I don't want and don't need the distraction of a relationship, and, quite honestly, I think I need to become happier with myself, before I even begin to think about letting someone else in. So, yes, I joined for the stories, but then I found out I had to be a paying member to communicate with anyone, so my plan for stories almost went out the window. However...

I briefly mentioned this in my last post a couple weeks ago (whoops), but a month or so ago, after a night out with my girlfriends that was filled with ridiculous pick-up lines, I decided I need to write a blog called, "Shit you shouldn't say when you're trying to hit on a girl." I did intend to give it it's own site, but setting up a new blog is a pain in the tukus and I figured it could be a fun little series to just do on this blog, to bring some spice back. On Friday night I went out with my friends and the idea came up again, but someone suggested instead of making it just pick-up lines & instead of making it only specific to things said to girls, it should just be, "Shit you shouldn't say." Thinking about all the ridiculous things I hear (and say), I agreed. But, you know me, an idea is never fully developed. So now it's going to encompass a litany of things not to say OR do in any given situation. While my life is rather eventful on mo...

Before: When I first joined match, I made a profile that was nice, down to earth, and a good indication of who I was and what I was hoping to find. However, I wasn't so in your face about what I was looking for in a match. After: Now, I'm over the scam that is online dating. My profile is still a good indication of who I am... just much more matter of fact. Too many men in their late 40s with kids my age were hitting on me. Too many men without a high school diploma. Too many men shorter than me and way too friendly with the bottle. So I took matters into my own hands mapped out exactly what I was(n't) looking for: Warning: If you aren't prepared for total honesty, read no further. After much consideration, I've decided I need to include the following. I was hesitant at first because I don't want to come across as a completely picky and abrasive whack-job, but I need to make the most of my membership. So here it goes. There are a few things I'm not willing t...

Yet another email from one of the "prospects" (I'm beginning to use that term very loosely) on match. While it is more than flattering that some of the men on there find me attractive and interesting and I certainly appreciate it, I also appreciate the laughs some of the emails give me. *my mind blowing commentary is in the aqua color* Enclosed----corny pick up lines (Oh joy, just my cup of tea.) If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and I together (And thanks for the warning.) . Are you tired because you've been running through my mind all day (That's impossible. Everyone knows I can't run for more than 5 minutes.) and my personal favorite, I lost my number can I have yours (1-317-yaright) lol what's the weirdest line someone has used on you ("You have amazing bone structure." True story. In fact, it happened just a couple weeks ago.) ? anyway enough of the corniness lol, in your profile you mentioned you want to travel and live somew...

First, I want to say this, because apparently there's been some confusion: my commentary in my match email posts are solely for this blog and are never actually sent to any man on match. It's all meant to be funny. I have a snarky, sarcastic sense of humor. So, basically, any post that isn't screaming, "I'M BEING SERIOUS!" should be read with sarcasm, mmmk? Ok, great. Now that we have that taken care of... Who knew someone I have absolutely no interest in would get so much attention on this little blog? The other day, I shared with you the email I received from Gino , the wanna-be guido. I then asked for your feedback as to what I should say in an email reply. I've replied to guys in the past with a nice, encouraging email (as in, "Thanks for the email, your perfect woman is out there, it's just not me. Best wishes in your search!" type of encouragement), but I wanted something different this time. Only two people were up for the challenge of...

Well, I do have another match story typed up and on reserve, but this takes precedence. Remember Gino ? Yea, how could you not? The last time I posted about him, he had just winked at me. His wink and profile alone provided me with enough entertainment-- or so I thought. Late last night, I logged onto my email account that I never use for the first time in a few days. It is the one where I receive all my match notifications. Low and behold, I had an email. From none other than G-money himself. *Per usual, my commentary is in aqua, everything else is as he wrote it. And Gino is his real name. If only I could figure out a way to show you all his picture.* hi.. hi.. (Salve-- check out my Italian, Gino.) I sincerely and honestly (Redundant much?) enjoyed viewing, reading (Again with the redundancy.) your profile and would very much like to chat with you .. know more about you.. (Why would I waste my time telling you more about me when you didn't pay attention the first time. ...

Maybe this is the case in all states and I'm just not aware of it, but Indiana's news headlines tend to be about the hickest people from the hickest part of town in one of the hickest states. The people that are interviewed in any given news story usually have four teeth, overalls, and the thickest hick accent I've ever heard. I can't help but laugh and roll my eyes. Last Tuesday I came across this story on the local news' website. The best part of the story is in yellow. The very best part of the story is in yellow bold. Police: Driver In Chase, Fire Just Released From Jail Police: Man Stole SUV From Greenfield Auto Dealership POSTED: 4:58 pm EDT June 15, 2010 UPDATED: 6:14 pm EDT June 15, 2010 INDIANAPOLIS -- A police chase that spanned two counties came to end along Interstate 70 on Tuesday afternoon when the vehicle involved caught fire, police said. The high-speed pursuit began just after 4 p.m. in Greenfield when a black Ford Bronco was stolen from Stanfield ...

I may have to start a new blog dedicated solely to the hilarity that is all things match related. Seriously, it may be the best 100 bucks ever spent. Even if I don't meet anyone I have a connection with, the entertainment alone has been worth it. Gino winked at me the other day. Winking on match is kind of like poking on facebook (which, by the way, I got poked by my 87-year-old Great Uncle Mac the other day. The hippest man I have ever met. Hands down.). But unlinke facebook, winking on match means you're 'interested.' The best part? When you wink back at someone, a message pops up that reads, "You've winked at each other! There's a connection! Email him now for a deeper connection." It's like a computerized Chuck Woolery on "The Love Connection!" So when I opened the email from match that said Gino (side note: his user name is romanticchef followed by some numbers. I can dig the chef part, but the name is just cheesy) had winked at me, ...

I had planned on taking a break from all things blog related (reason one why it took me 5 days to respond to your comments from my last post) for various reasons, but this is too funny not to share. The following is an email I received from some guy on match. I've received a few that have given me a really good laugh and I'll probably share them all at some point, but this one, from "Pierre, 38" had me crying I was laughing so hard. What I thought upon reading this email and after I stopped crying are in the parentheses in the blue-ish color. hi There are alot of things that I could compliment you on but your smile is the best ( OK, that's nice. Cheesy, but nice. Thanks) . You really made me stop and write to you after I seen that smile ("Seen" that smile? Nice grammar.) . I hope that you are single (Uh, why else would I be here? I'm not that hard up for friends.) and ready for a date with me (that sounds a little intimidating...) . I just want ...

Apparently my approach to making myself clear nicely hasn't worked. As a result, please read the following for further clarification. I'm just going to come right out and say this: At 23, could you have been paid to date a woman 15 years older, divorced, and with three kids? No? Then what the hell makes you think that's what I WANT?!?! Do you want to know my initial reaction to you men who have emailed me, wanting to get to know me and possibly go on a date has been? "I think the differences are too great, but let me know if you need a babysitter!" Read my profile before "winking" or emailing me, please. It clearly says that I want a man between 23 and 30, never been married, and without children. I take care of 9 kids every week, the last thing I need is to date someone with children. I'm also saving myself for marriage and ideally (although I am realistic about this) would find the same in my future husband. Having a herd of youngin's pretty m...

Remember this post, with the embarrassing confession that men at stoplights tend to hit on me? Someone asked if maybe my car was a guy magnet. I responded by saying that it was possible, because it hadn't happened since I bought my new car. Although neither car I have ever owned were anything I would consider to be desirable by men. Anyhow, either my cars really are guy magnets or I'm just super sexy because I got hit on again today. But not at a stoplight. Oh no, that would be too easy. I got hit on while driving. At 45mph. With my windows down. About 15 minutes ago. By a grey-haired man who totally didn't seem like the type to do such a thing. Awkward. And I'm not super sexy. I'm half-tempted to take a picture of my current appearance just to prove it, but that's something I don't even want to see. But I was with a 9-month-old all day, so you parents out there, picture what you looked like when your child was an infant and make it 5 times worse. That'...

I have a confession to make. A slightly embarrassing confession, at that. I get hit on. A lot. But not at bars. No, that never happens. And not at the gym (as if I frequent the gym that much. HA! (my trainer's gym doesn't count)). No. The only place I get hit on is at... Stoplights. Are you done laughing at me yet? I'm serious, y'all. This happens on a semi-regular basis and, given the way it is done, I can't even be flattered. Not even a little bit. And the best/worst part is, it always happens when I am fully aware that I look like road-kill. Do I look that hard up for a buck? Cuz I'm not, thanks. Take the most recent situation: I was on my way home from volunteering at the hospital in my super cute (sarcasm) uniform (red polo, hair in a pony with a headband on), don't even know if I had makeup on, windows were down, country was blasting through the speakers. All of a sudden, two guys, who I believe were younger than me, started shouting at me from THREE l...

... I think I speak for the entire female population when I ask-- no, make that BEG-- of you to NEVER let any of us see you sporting these: Rocco Slim Fit Jean Shorts Rocco Slim Fit Low Rise Jean Shorts -- because normal rise is just so ordinary. Ever. Not even if it is life or death. It is not now, has never been, and will never be a good look. Never. Please and thank you. And Express , you should be ashamed of yourself.

Did I ever tell you I ended up joining eharmony? Well, I did. And I will be canceling my subscription after my 30 days are up. And not because I've found love. Let's start with prospect numero uno... we shall call him Butch. Thankfully, his name isn't truly that awful. But anyhow, Butch and I were matched and started to communicate using the guided communication eharmony offers. Essentially, they give you a list of questions to choose from to ask the other person and that person does the same, you answer, decide if you like the other persons answers and, if you so choose, keep moving forward. So exhilarating, I know. Moving on... Butch is 6'4". A HUGE plus for this 5'9' chica over here. His answers to all the questions seemed decent and apparently he liked my responses because we got to the point of being able to email; so that's just what we did for a couple days. Let me recap some of the questions he asked in his first email... What are your hobbies? ...