Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Match.com: Before & After

Before:
When I first joined match, I made a profile that was nice, down to earth, and a good indication of who I was and what I was hoping to find. However, I wasn't so in your face about what I was looking for in a match.

After:
Now, I'm over the scam that is online dating. My profile is still a good indication of who I am... just much more matter of fact. Too many men in their late 40s with kids my age were hitting on me. Too many men without a high school diploma. Too many men shorter than me and way too friendly with the bottle. So I took matters into my own hands mapped out exactly what I was(n't) looking for:

Warning: If you aren't prepared for total honesty, read no further.

After much consideration, I've decided I need to include the following. I was hesitant at first because I don't want to come across as a completely picky and abrasive whack-job, but I need to make the most of my membership. So here it goes.

There are a few things I'm not willing to compromise on at this point:

I'm NOT the one for you if:
1. You are older than 35. And that may be stretching it.
2. You are divorced.
3. You are a father. I want a lot of kids, someday. But I'm 23 and a nanny, the last thing I need in my life at this point is an insta-family.
4. You don't want kids.
5. You are unemployed and have no plans to change that any time soon.
6. You are atheist.
7. You are shorter than 5'10.
8. You are an alcoholic.
9. You can't appreciate sarcasm and honesty.
10. You are a smoker and/or drug user.
11. You are a control freak.
12. You live nowhere near Indianapolis.
13. Last, but perhaps most importantly, you are only looking for sex. Here's the deal, I'm saving myself for the man I know I am going to marry. If you can't deal with that, then you can't deal with me.

Is the above a little abrasive? Perhaps. I told you I was honest. And I'm usually not so in your face, but this service has been a complete waste of time and money (case in point: I just got winked at by someone in Sri Lanka. Seriously?) and I'm taking a "no holds barred" approach at this point.

Not totally scared off yet? Then here's a little bit about me...

I probably just confirmed to all of you readers that I'm a handful (although I assume most of you already knew that). Shockingly, the response hasn't been too terrible. I mean, none of the old farts have contacted me any more. A good couple handfuls of guys have emailed me saying how they really liked how honest I was. I winked at a couple guys and emailed a couple. A guy named Dustin (real name), who I was really, really interested in had nothing but nice things to say. But, of course, he's recently met someone. Of course.

Then, I winked at a guy named "Donkey" (fake name). His profile said something about joining match because he's pretty traditional and conservative and hasn't been able to find a woman like that in the bars. Sounded right up my alley. He emailed me and shared a similar interest. Turns out he's from the same city, went to my rival high school, is Catholic, has a good job. Sounds great, right?

Wrong.

He works part-time for the Indianapolis Colts. Now, that's not a problem at all. However, I'm not Peyton Manning's number 1 fan, by any stretch of the imagination (he's the QB for the Colts, in case you aren't NFL savvy). I thought I'd make a joke at the end of my first email to him and say, "Confession: I'm probably the only person in the state of Indiana that hates Peyton Manning. I bet that's some sort of sin, huh?"

He emailed me back and said at the end of his email, "Yes, it is a sin. Why don't you like him? Are there any players you do like?"

I shouldn't have taken the bait. I really, really should not have taken that damn bait. Re-reading his wording, he probably said it far more snarky than I had interpreted.

I told him I thought Peyton was a poor sport and fake.

I never heard from him, which was weird because he had been pretty quick with his responses. My mom kept giving me a hard time that he didn't like what I had to say about Peyton. I thought that was the most ludicrous idea ever. I mean, really? It's my opinion. How old are we? I just can't comprehend writing someone off because they don't like the same celebrities you do.

Turns out, mother does know best. I emailed him and said, "I suppose my opinion of Petyon didn't bode well with you? Eh, oh well. Best wishes."

Now, mind you, we're talking about Peyton Manning. Not the Dalai Lama or the Pope. Or even a mutal friend that he and I have. But given his response, you would have thought I just committed the most mortal of mortal sins.

No, it did not. I was shocked that anyone would make comments like that about someone they have never met, and to someone they don’t really even know. I actually know Peyton personally and have worked closely with him over the last five years in my part-time job for the Colts. While Peyton is no saint, none of us are, he certainly isn’t the terrible person you make him out to be. Your accusations of him being fake and a sore loser, couldn’t possibly be more offbase. Passing that kind of opinion on someone you don’t know is sad, extremely judgmental and a very unattractive quality.\

I. Was. Speechless.

I sent him back way too nice of a response (because I really didn't want to prove his point any further. Plus, all my really good comebacks came to mind later-- which probably is a good thing.) which included, "In all fairness, he's a public figure. I don't know anyone that doesn't form opinions on people they constantly see in the media."

But seriously? How much does one have to get paid to walk around with their head that far up someone else's ass? And funny how he's judging me, yet has no issue telling me what an ugly characteristic that is. Hypocrite. My friend, Nate, said I should have said something along the lines of, "I don't have to know Hitler or Stalin to know I wouldn't have liked them."

Donkey probably likes Michael Vick and Tiger Woods, too. Oh shoot, there I go passing judgments, again.

Anyway, at least I found out how immature and crazy he is before we went on a date. I'm over match (yes, I will admit that I am 1. too opinionated, 2. need to be less vocal of said opinion, and 3. have a really strong personality and may come across as crazy, too). I cannot wait for my subscription to end. I have a crazy idea in mind, but I'll post about that soon. Also, remind me to tell you guys about Metro Myle. Seriously, if I haven't told you in the next couple days, remind me.

In unrelated news: I really miss blogging. I need to quit being lazy and get back into the swing of things... hope y'all are doing well :)



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12 comments:

Donda said...

OMG! This is great! I have never done a dating website myself but my SIL was on Eharmony and having all the same problems...I am sending her to read this as you sound like a pro!

Big Fat Gini said...

Maybe you met Peyton Manning (never mind that he's happily married right?)!

My husband and I met via AOL Personals before dating on the internet was cool (the whole story is in my About Me section, so I'll spare you how boring that whole thing was). I had to go through a lot of bad apples. Some who looked like good apples to begin with. Kudos to you for being honest and knowing what you want!

Jess said...

Ok, so my cousin has signed me up for Eharmony and has decided to be my "board of directors and weed out any crazies." IF there are any worth me meeting, she'll pass them along to me.

Can I let her copy and paste that list into my profile? Pretty please? That may help her.


Donkey sounds like the tail end of a donkey.

denise said...

Well, at least you tried!!

I was so annoyed with guys responding to my original nice profile that I too changed to to include "if you are missing teeth, have a wife, smoke...." you are not for me. I still got strange responses so I deleted it. But I quit match. I give credit to the few people it actually worked for.

Ms. Emily Ann said...

Just found your blog ~ Love your Match.com profile! I definitely commend you for putting it out there like that! Cut the BS and get straight to the point, you don't want a guy that can't handle the true you anyways ~ more power to strong, opnionated, knows what she wants women!!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Oh it is stories like this that make me happy Im married, even on the days I want to sell the DH to the circus... being single ....too scary.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.. I am now following you. On here =]

Katie said...

That's hilarious! What a crazy guy. And ps-- you're not the only one who doesn't like Peyton Manning. Although, I don't live in Indiana...

Janet Dillon Robinson said...

You are freaking awesome, I loved this entry!

Miss Alaineous said...

Girrrrl, I too was on Match.com. (keyword: WAS.) I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed at all this because I can totally relate to ridiculous stories from just absolute characters on there. Good for you for laying down the law like that on your match profile... maybe I should've done the same thing, ha! (I especially like "I am NOT the one for you if... you're shorter than 5'10." AMEN SISTER!

Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

Wow. Seriously? That's weird. Dude needs to lighten up.

Pam said...

Oh my Gaw!! Wow. What a jackass. He probably lost his virginity to Peyton.

Lindsay @ Aisle to Aloha said...

Haha, I always enjoy reading your match.com adventures, Marianne! Too funny.

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