Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Morons Of the Online Dating World,

Apparently my approach to making myself clear nicely hasn't worked. As a result, please read the following for further clarification.

I'm just going to come right out and say this: At 23, could you have been paid to date a woman 15 years older, divorced, and with three kids? No? Then what the hell makes you think that's what I WANT?!?! Do you want to know my initial reaction to you men who have emailed me, wanting to get to know me and possibly go on a date has been? "I think the differences are too great, but let me know if you need a babysitter!"

Read my profile before "winking" or emailing me, please. It clearly says that I want a man between 23 and 30, never been married, and without children. I take care of 9 kids every week, the last thing I need is to date someone with children. I'm also saving myself for marriage and ideally (although I am realistic about this) would find the same in my future husband. Having a herd of youngin's pretty much eliminates that option, doesn't it now? And what your annual salary supposedly is will not sway my opinion, OK? Yes, I love money, but I am NOT a gold digger.

Also, if the age gap between us is significantly greater than the amount of years I've been a legal adult... or alive... don't waste your time.

If you are shorter than 5'9", do not waste your time. That, too, is indicated in my profile and I will not make an exception. Sorry, but 5'9" isn't so tall that I can't be picky about the height of men I would consider dating. You don't need to be 6'5" (although that would be nice...), but you do need to be at least my height. That means YOU, 5'6" man with the not-quite-there-fu manchu-mustache-who-had-a-striking-resemblance-to-Napoleon Dynamite's brother, that emailed me yesterday.

Do NOT ask me about sex, intimacy, positions before you even know if I am Marianne from Indiana or Maurice from India. Because I'm nice, I'll spare you and not verbally assault you via email, but trust me, it won't go over well.

If I don't wink, email, IM you back the first 3 times, chances are, I'm not interested. There is no need to continue harassing me every day for two weeks. Otherwise, I'll be inclined to totally block your profile and possibly report you.

If you live in, say, San Diego, California, I think you're better off finding someone that doesn't live 2000+ miles away. But you should also already know that, as it says I am not looking for someone outside of Indiana. Again, no exceptions will be made at this point.

Here's the deal, men. I do not think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. In fact, most days, I don't think I'm great period. But I do still have standards, as I'm sure you do, too. I'm not looking to a find a man comparable in looks and sound to Matthew McConaughey. I don't need you to be the next Bill Gates or to be the one that finds a cure for cancer. But I do want someone that I can relate to, that has similar hopes for the future, and that I can make a family with way down the road. If you don't fall into that category, I'm sorry. But I know there's a wonderful woman out there for you. You just need to wake up and realize that a 23-year-old probably isn't going to be her, if you're creeping up on 40. A girl four inches taller than you probably won't be her. A girl who doesn't respond to you because she doesn't want to be mean PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO BE HER. And if you have any doubts as to my credibility, I'm sure Patti Stanger would be happy to back me up.

And as my profile also indicates, alcoholics, drug addicts, control freaks, pessimists, and people only interested in sex, need not apply. Thanks :)

*sadly, all of the above are true stories and have been my experience thus far with match.com*


Momma Fargo said...

Oh. MY. Even my nasty cute cornholio cop friends your age are better than these guys. What has the world come to? Have you ever thought of getting a dog?

And you are cute as a button. Don't settle for any of those yahoos.

I'll tase 'em.

Melissa said...

Are you still a member of Match.com? If so , GOOD LUCK! This all just sounds so interesting... I never was a part of this world - and on some weird level I kind of wish I could have wexpereienced it because it just sounds so crazy!

But on the other hand, I am VERY glad I found Randy relatively easy and never had to use an online dating service... but good luck to you and finding Mr. Right. It will happen one day, and hopefully if youcontinue blogging, I will read all about it!

Anne said...

Never settle! Good for you. My best friend is single and has had NO luck with match.com. Boo. But the Millionaire Matchmaker? LOVE. I am addicted to that show. p.s. don't hate the short men! my hubby is one of them!! ;)

denise said...

I love it...in a I can totally relate kind of way. I can't wait for my match.com subcription to end.

Katherine said...

So I've never used Match.com, but I have a friend who did. He found a girlfriend, they later got married, and now they have a cute little girl. It can be a good thing. But these men you speak of? Yeah, I work for one. He does online dating (and any other kind of dating) and only dates women in their 20s. He's in his 40s. He thinks they're on the shelf at 32. He then complains all the time about how he can't find a mature woman. He disgusts me.

Jess said...

I have no idea how I missed this, until now. I mean, I know it's only a day old, but still.

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DITTO!!!!!! AMEN!!!!!!!

That's all I have to say.

Casey said...

I've always been a little creeped out by the idea of online dating and reading about your experience pretty much means that I'll never do it.

I'm amazed at the audacity of some people.

And height is one of my deal breakers (my ex-husband is 6'3). Ironic since I'm not even 5 ft tall, but I figure I need to give any possible kids half a chance of not being a midget. Plus, I want someone that is big and strong and can protect me. I want to be able to crawl in their lap...and I don't want there ever to be the possibility that we could share pants.

Merri Ann said...

Hey you ... sorry about the weirdos ... but I think you should keep trying. I don't think this is something that people "resort to" ... it's a prefectly acceptable way of meeting people these days. All the visual sorting out we all do on a daily basis, is just a little harder without the visual clues.

The Future Missy Prissy RN said...

OMG!! I can't stop laughing!!!!!

TravelistaRN said...

As someone who has considered online dating, this made me laugh for a long time. Also, mad me reconsider the whole online dating thing!

Thanks for your tips on A&P! Hope you don't mind me following your blog!

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