Dear Morons Of the Online Dating World,

Apparently my approach to making myself clear nicely hasn't worked. As a result, please read the following for further clarification.

I'm just going to come right out and say this: At 23, could you have been paid to date a woman 15 years older, divorced, and with three kids? No? Then what the hell makes you think that's what I WANT?!?! Do you want to know my initial reaction to you men who have emailed me, wanting to get to know me and possibly go on a date has been? "I think the differences are too great, but let me know if you need a babysitter!"

Read my profile before "winking" or emailing me, please. It clearly says that I want a man between 23 and 30, never been married, and without children. I take care of 9 kids every week, the last thing I need is to date someone with children. I'm also saving myself for marriage and ideally (although I am realistic about this) would find the same in my future husband. Having a herd of youngin's pretty much eliminates that option, doesn't it now? And what your annual salary supposedly is will not sway my opinion, OK? Yes, I love money, but I am NOT a gold digger.

Also, if the age gap between us is significantly greater than the amount of years I've been a legal adult... or alive... don't waste your time.

If you are shorter than 5'9", do not waste your time. That, too, is indicated in my profile and I will not make an exception. Sorry, but 5'9" isn't so tall that I can't be picky about the height of men I would consider dating. You don't need to be 6'5" (although that would be nice...), but you do need to be at least my height. That means YOU, 5'6" man with the not-quite-there-fu manchu-mustache-who-had-a-striking-resemblance-to-Napoleon Dynamite's brother, that emailed me yesterday.




Do NOT ask me about sex, intimacy, positions before you even know if I am Marianne from Indiana or Maurice from India. Because I'm nice, I'll spare you and not verbally assault you via email, but trust me, it won't go over well.

If I don't wink, email, IM you back the first 3 times, chances are, I'm not interested. There is no need to continue harassing me every day for two weeks. Otherwise, I'll be inclined to totally block your profile and possibly report you.

If you live in, say, San Diego, California, I think you're better off finding someone that doesn't live 2000+ miles away. But you should also already know that, as it says I am not looking for someone outside of Indiana. Again, no exceptions will be made at this point.

Here's the deal, men. I do not think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. In fact, most days, I don't think I'm great period. But I do still have standards, as I'm sure you do, too. I'm not looking to a find a man comparable in looks and sound to Matthew McConaughey. I don't need you to be the next Bill Gates or to be the one that finds a cure for cancer. But I do want someone that I can relate to, that has similar hopes for the future, and that I can make a family with way down the road. If you don't fall into that category, I'm sorry. But I know there's a wonderful woman out there for you. You just need to wake up and realize that a 23-year-old probably isn't going to be her, if you're creeping up on 40. A girl four inches taller than you probably won't be her. A girl who doesn't respond to you because she doesn't want to be mean PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO BE HER. And if you have any doubts as to my credibility, I'm sure Patti Stanger would be happy to back me up.





And as my profile also indicates, alcoholics, drug addicts, control freaks, pessimists, and people only interested in sex, need not apply. Thanks :)





*sadly, all of the above are true stories and have been my experience thus far with match.com*