Force of Nature

I started this blog a month after graduating college. Ten years ago to be exact, which makes me feel equal parts old and in disbelief that that much time has already passed. I was 22, planning on going back to nursing school, and looking for a way to somewhat utilize the journalism degree I had just earned. I wrote on here religiously for a few years, and then I went to nursing school and my free time became non-existent. Slowly but surely, I just abandoned my little corner of the internet and it hasn't been touched in six years now. 

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a direction to do something, or be somewhere, and you can't explain why, but you just KNOW you must follow the force? That's how I've ended up back here. I haven't read a blog in years, haven't looked at my own in years, and, truthfully, don't really feel like I have a whole lot to say. But, this little nagging voice from the universe has kept pushing me back to writing. My heart is heavy, my mind is heavier, and, quite frankly, I don't care if a single soul ever reads the musings of a Fickle White Woman. What I do care about is finding a way to deal with all of my thoughts and emotions in a constructive way; thus, I write. 

I read my last post that I published back in March 2013. I felt a bit smacked in the face in doing so, because I could write nearly the exact same post today and it would still be relevant to where I am and how I'm feeling. That's just so... sad. In 6 years time, so much has happened, and yet very little has changed.

Let's review what's been going on in my life the past 6 years, shall we? 

I moved to Los Angeles and I made a good group of friends. I've adopted a dog. I moved home from Los Angeles. I left the NICU in exchange for a M-F job. I ended up hating that job and went back to the bedside, working in pediatrics. I've bought a house. I've added 9 (? I think?) countries to my passport and countless domestic trips. In addition to my obsession with traveling, I've found a passion for baking. I've lost weight and chopped off my hair. I've dated by using every single dating site and app one can think of. I've entered a new decade of life. 

Lots of happenings, right? And yet, here I am, 32 years old, still trying to learn to be happy and content. Thirty-two years old and still living a life that's drastically different than I had ever thought it would be at this age. Craving change, yearning for adventure, desperately wanting to enter the next season of life- one that includes a husband and children of my own. 

I have come to accept the fact that life does not and never will go as planned. When I moved to California, I never intended to ever return to Indiana. When I became a nurse, I thought for sure I'd found my dream career. Now, I question daily what my true calling is. I understand that just because all I've ever wanted in life is to be a wife and mother, doesn't mean it's guaranteed for me. A fact I become more and more aware of the older I get (and no, I am not saying I'm nearly too old for marriage and children). 

However, that doesn't mean that I am not going to do everything in my power to try to find my place in this world. It's that directional force I feel, pulling me to the next adventure. As in my post from 6 years ago, that need for the next adventure has turned to an obsession. It consumes many of my thoughts most of the day. Those thoughts are equal parts reality and fantasy. Reality, where not only am I completely aware of all the things that need to occur for it all to pan out, but also what could come of my life if (when) most of it does pan out. Fantasy, where I've dreamed up a new me, in a new city, with a new career, and a new life. 

I know happiness comes from within. I also know happiness is something that requires work: mental, physical, and emotional work. I'm always working on the physical. By coming back to my corner of the internet, by allowing that nagging voice from the universe to guide me to reconnecting with my passion for writing, and finally letting some of my many thoughts escape my brain, I really hope this is the first of many steps to finding mental and emotional happiness.