Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Afraid of Love.

*FYI: comments are closed. I appreciate all of the kind words you guys have ever given me and I do value your opinion, but a few posts back I mentioned that sometimes I just want to write to get it off my chest, and not necessarily to be heard or responded to. This is one of those posts. Because I don't really have the time or desire to start a second blog, posts like these will just be made public, but with commenting off. Thanks*

As far back as I can remember, I have dreamed of my wedding.

Though my vision has changed over the years, I still dream about it. I have nearly every single detail planned out in my head. Literally.

The only problem? I need a man in order for that wedding to take place. But not just any man. The man I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. The father of my children. The one that makes me a better person.

Does that man exist? Possibly. I've had a dream where I'm walking down the aisle and can the see face of the man I'm about to marry. I have yet to meet this man, as he does not look familiar. But I'm afraid I may never know if he really does exist. Not because I have this irrational fear that we will never cross paths; and not because I'm just being ridiculous.

I have issues with men. Where those issues stem from, I don't know. But I have an incredibly hard time letting men get too close.

As far as I know, I have never been abused in any way, shape, or form. However, my inability to let men get close would probably suggest others. I have this huge brick wall up and cannot seem to let any men get too close-- at least not on an 'intimate' level. In high school, I liked the same guy for four years. We flirted all the time, but I knew he didn't feel the same way I did. And even though part of me really wanted that to change, I kind of liked our relationship. We could flirt like the best of them, but, at the end of the day, I didn't have to worry about maintaining a deeper relationship.

He was pretty much the only guy I was interested in in high school. And to the best of my knowledge, no guys were ever interested in me. Until senior year, that is.

This new guy, who shall remain nameless, claimed (I say claim because he's a womanizer) to be interested in me and made it very clear. He was very, very expressive about the way he felt. And I was very unfamiliar with this new 'phenomenon.' I wasn't used to a guy liking me. Especially not before I liked him. And while most girls, I assume, would be giddy over this, I, on the other hand, was terrified.

And I'm sure he'd be more than happy to validate that statement.

I was always nervous around him; never quite sure of what to say, or how to act. To be honest, I don't think I ever had any interest in him, I just really liked the attention. By my awkwardness didn't pass until his punk ass he dropped me and moved on to the next girl. And how did I feel? Relieved. Slightly hurt, but definitely relieved. And I didn't speak to him for probably four months. How I managed to do that, I don't know. My high school had less than 800 students. I saw him multiple times a day, every day. But I did it.

And then one day he IM'ed me out of the blue and said, and I'll never forget this, "I miss you."

To which I said, "That's your problem."

But that exact IM is also when the game playing began-- where we pretended to be interested in each other, like before, but it was really just a game for attention. Because we are now (or I should say, 'were' as I've recently written him out of my life for various reasons) just friends and the interest is nothing more than that, I can be comfortable around him. I can flirt with him, joke around with him, etc. I can pretty much do everything we did when there was an interest there, but now I can do so comfortably and not freak out.

This cannot be normal. How can I manage to flirt, make sexual jokes, be touchy feel with a guy I have no interest in and have a relationship with him like I do my girlfriends; but as soon as that line from friendship to something deeper is crossed, I want nothing to do with it?

It's probably not OK that I continually say, "I want the wedding, but not the husband." But I do say that. A lot. And I mean it. The entire concept of a relationship terrifies me. From dating to being monogamous for life-- it all freaks me out. I even (half) joke about wanting to have separate bedrooms from my possible future husband. How can the idea of marriage terrify the heck out of me, but the idea of motherhood makes me happy to the core?

My parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary this October. Thirty years. Most would think, "What a beautiful love story." I, on the other hand, think, "Oh my God. Thirty years with the same person, in the same bed, day in and day out? Oh my God."

Perhaps it's due to my lack of experience (in every sense of the phrase), or maybe it's just because I have yet to meet someone that I could actually see myself with. My trainer thinks I have the mindset that I'm not worthy. That I'm not worthy enough to be skinny and fit; that I'm not worthy enough to be someone's girlfriends (obviously to a certain extent); that I'm not worthy to be who I want to be; not worthy of being loved. And as much as I hate to admit it, I think he's right. But again, I have no idea why. I don't know the psychology of my thoughts, I just know those are the thoughts I have. And I know that it's not healthy.

And as I've grown older, I've developed an even bigger issue. Any guy that does express interest in me, minus one exception (I do have one good male friend from college.), just gets written out of my life. I just ignore all forms of communication until they get the hint and stop. This has happened a few times now. And I do feel guilty about it because I may be missing out on some fun times. I know none of the guys this has happened to are "the one," but I still shouldn't be so quick to get rid of them.

My hope is that some day I'll be totally blindsided by the man of my dreams that I forget about all of my hesitations and reservations and just be able to let my brick wall come crashing down. I know there is most likely a wonderful guy out there who is right for me. I know there is probably a guy that I can't imagine living my life without. And I know I have no intention of ever settling. But unless I learn to let my guard down a little, I may never know if that man really does exist.

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