Tuesday, August 30, 2011

On Growing Up

Growing up is funny. When we're kids, all we want is to be a grown up; and when we're grown up, all we want to know is what the hell was so appealing about being older when we were kids.

Apparently I'm an adult. In 9 months, I'll be 25. A quarter of a century. And I'm already starting to freak out. Not because it means I'm that much closer to being 30.

Ok, maybe a little because it means I'm that much closer to being 30.

And not because 25 used to seem so old when I was kid.

Even though it did.

But because I feel so... unaccomplished.

Which I'm sure sounds entirely ridiculous to some of you. Yes, I am working on my second bachelor's degree and yes I am less than a year away from being a nurse, but that's it.

I am a planner. I have had my life planned since I knew what "the future" meant. Of course, said plans have had to be tailored quite often because, you know what the proverbial they say, "We plan, God laughs." But it has still been hard dealing with what my reality has become.

Ten years ago I was 14 and a freshman in high school. I had grand plans of dating a number of boys, making my friends for life, having a stellar social life, then I'd go off to college and major in Spanish, become an interpreter, find my husband, get married at 22, and kids at 23, 25, 27, and 29. I'd, of course, keep in touch with all my bff's from high school for ever and ever.

HA. None of that crap happened.

Obviously I'm not a Spanish interpreter... or a special ed teacher... or a journalist (the latter two being my initial major and eventual degree, respectively). And I clearly am not married or on my way to having child number 2.

Which is perfectly fine (because holy cow, I am so not ready to be married. And I do kind of have baby fever, but I still love sleeping until 11 am, so I'm glad I don't have kids yet) and I know God has a different path for me, but it has still been hard.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think at 24 I would still be in school, unemployed, heavily reliant on my parent's, and still single.

Every day I log onto facebook and somebody new from high school or college is engaged, or married, or expecting a baby. People talk about office life, trips with their girlfriends, finishing grad school, and moving to somewhere new and exciting. I know it's not right to compare myself to others, and in many ways I don't, but it really can bring a girl down to see where I could be and where I actually am.

So in 10 years, who knows where I'll be. I assume I'll be an RN and working in NICU or peds. God willing, I'll (ideally) be married and definitely have at least one child. Hopefully I'll be living in Florida/California/somewhere warm and hopefully, by that point, I will have everything I ever dreamed of, which really isn't much.

Whatever God has in store for me, I'm sure it's bound to be great and I'm sure I'll learn to be happy, as I have learned to be (as) happy (as I can be) with my current situation.

I just hope those plans include don't include a major quarter-life crisis.

And fewer bills would also be nice.

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Melissa said...

Growing up definitely isn't easy! Being an adult is hard and sometimes sucks! Being a kid is fun. But oh well. It is interesting to look at where you are relative to where you thought or hoped you would be. More than likely, you will get to where you want to be and get what you want within the next few years. Your theoretical timeline was just a few years early! And I bet if you were to think about it and list all the things you have done before you turn 25 that you would be quite impressed with yourself and everything you have accomplished.

teacher girl said...

I know exactly how you feel--right down to the logging onto facebook part. It's so weird--growing up.

Jess said...

As always....... I could have written this post. In fact, I'm sure that I *have* written this post, in my own way, lol.

I tried calling you, yesterday. Just to say Hi. However, my phone kept being stupid and would hang up. So, if you got three calls from me in like two minutes, it wasn't because I was being insane. It was because my phone was being insane.

Anonymous said...

Ugh- I completely relate to this. I turn 27 this october and it has hit me: I'm old. Where did my early 20's go? How am I almost 30? I have to admit I'm doing exactly what I thought I would be doing in my life, just not as well as I'd imagined! You are right though, God has plans for us and will take you where you need to be! The people on facebook are without fail show the better days in life and not the down days (unless they crave drama!) and are feeling the same way, for sure!

Katherine said...

I had my life planned out, too. And then I realized that you can't control everything. And that what I thought I wanted changed as I got older and still changes.

I think you're in a great spot and have accomplished a lot. I'm now in my 30s, and I thought I'd be further along than I am, but I'm happy with the path I took. And I'm still in school :)We never stop learning.

Cathy said...

I COMPLETELY know what you mean. I turned 25 a couple of weeks back and was shocked at what little I'd accomplished. Which I try to tell myself is ridiculous since I've already gotten two degrees and I'm starting on my third. Doesn't stop those thoughts though.

"Never in my wildest dreams did I think at 24 I would still be in school, unemployed, heavily reliant on my parent's, and still single."

EXACTLY! Though, replace 24 with 25. :) I hate the idea that I'm 25 and unemployed, no money (or car!) and living with my parents. I keep telling myself that by July 2013 I should be a RN but sometime that still seems too far away.

Adriane said...

...and then there's always a 31-year-old mom of a little boy who STILL, at the age of 2, refuses to sleep past 3 a.m. who sometimes wishes she could change spots with you for at least a week to catch up on some S-L-E-E-P. ;-) Isn't it weird, though? There's this big rush to hurry up and grow up...but now that we're here, I wish I would have taken more time just being young and carefree.

R @ TravelistaRN said...

Girl - i understand it all!! As a fellow planner, you know my story and how I am in the middle of a complete career change now and still living at home. It's hard to not beat myself up about not being a grown up. The OCD planner in me is dying that I haven't hit all the milestones I wanted to by now.

I am turning 30 in a few days and still feel like I don't have my life figured out sometimes! I am loving everything about nursing school and the process/possibilities in the future, but there are days when I question if I should just suck it up and stay in my current field just so I can move forward with my life. But, I also know, no matter what happens, where I end up or what I end up doing for a living is all part of God's plan for my life.

You have accomplished so much - look at what you are doing now! Everything else will happen as it's supposed to and in it's own time. I think you have an amazing attitude about everything and if I had been like that at 25, my life would have been much easier!

NP Odyssey said...

Don't be so fast to want a kid. They say now it costs over $250,000to raise just one child to the age of 18. And really what kid today is still not leaching off of mom and dad into their 20's

Scot said...

Hey Marianne - when thinking like this I've always taken comfort with the saying, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be". Saying it slow enough usually helps me regain perspective.



denise said...

not sure how I missed this post...but you nailed it. Even at 32 I feel so unacommplished and I am probably the only person I know that hasn't been married/divorced/or had a child. ANd of course, the only thing I want in life is that husband and kid/s...I guess my job could be viewed as an accomplishemnt...but I am starting to hate it. You are coming a long way in the last two years - I am very proud of you! Don't give up.

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